My floors haven’t been cleaned in weeks; and by weeks I mean months.
Add toilets, add film around bathroom tubs.
Oh, hello laundry pilled high, nice to see you again.
Drying off dishes and bodies with shirts, because the towels are in the wash for the third time. In a row.
There are children screaming something urgent, yet I can’t make it out, and haven’t the desire to try. Little faces, 3 feet below me, looking up with bewildered frustration. They pull, they tug, all “Where are you mom?”
Mama has checked out.
What do you do when you’re burnt out on motherhood, and its unending life of service and sacrifice. When the laundry of fatigue piles so high you can’t even make it through the stack before another is added. When you start the day with the words “I’m done” before your feet hit solid ground. When its 6:40pm and hubby’s 10 mins late feels like 10 hours.
What do you do when you start losing yourself under the numb familiar?
Keys jingle. The front door opens. Children scurry to greet the him, the Sane one. I retreat. I crash on the bed, pulling sheets over my head like a canopy. It feels safe here, under this blanket place void of light and sound.
I should get some rest.
But instead of resting, instead of plugging in to the Source of peace, I plug into something else.
Bright white mobile light shining in weary eyes; I soak in these one inch squares of perfection. Scrolling through photos, unending.
Then the whispers start…
Look at her, pursuing her dreams, getting that degree, yes! #Congrats
Maybe one day I will get finish mine…maybe not. Scroll
Pre-baby weight already! Good for her! #Goals
Ugh…I haven’t worked out in…months. If only I can lose these 15lbs from 2 years ago. Scroll
Oh wow, she’s pretty! #Follow
I wish I looked like that when I woke up. Scroll
Ahh, new Hunter rainboots… #Loveit
I’ve been wanting those forever. Scroll
I’m so tired. I should probably get off. Scroll.
Just a few more minutes. Scroll
Oh look! Girls night! They look cute! #Like
Wonder why I wasn’t invited. Scroll.
Wow! Mini-vaca in Santa Barbara this weekend! #Like
I wish we could afford a vacation, things are sooo tight. Scroll
STOP THE SCROLLING!
Sometimes, we scroll to escape, scroll to avoid, scroll to numb.
But, the more we scroll, the more a part of soul slips into a pit of mangled distraction and lies.
We believe the lie. “Just a few more minutes and surely rest will come.” Yet, it never ever does. We leave feeling weary, empty, and alone. It’s a false sense of refuge that never bring peace. It never satisfies.
It’s a distraction; Set up to steal our joy, our worth, our value, our contentment, and our gratitude. Causing us to condemn, compete, and compare.
With fingers swift like feet, we try to run far away. But, the only thing we are running further away from the only One who can actually give true refuge.
So, what do you do when you start losing yourself under the numb familiar?
We stop scrolling. In fact, we resist the temptation to start.
Instead, we breathe in deep. We exhale. Give ourselves permission to check out, instead of in, and allow the presence of the Lord to be bring us the peace we so desperately need.
Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Matt 11:28