I thought I knew what was coming. I thought I had walked through the hardest parts of adoption…
Ithought that THIS moment, that this day, would be was slightly difficult, but mostly beautiful. I was unavoidably naive. The sorrow that has engulfed me is almost unbearable. The intensity of the love in my heart, crippling.
I am undoubtedly overwhelmed.
I am a mother to a child that was tossed out on the street, sentenced to death.
By the grace of God and the angels he sent to preserve her, death lost. But, the abandonment has left its mark. Fortunately, she has known care and attention and even love through the caretakers at her orphanage; to whom the pulse of my grateful heart will always beat.
But, she has not known the intimacy of a mother and father. She has missed out on someone from the moment she was born, someone treasuring her mere existence. I was unable to watch her chest rise and fall as an infant or memorize her marks, and scars. She was not held close for the first 2 months of her life, but hospitalized, willing herself to live without an advocate pulling for her every breath.
I am filled with sorrow.
She is terrified of us.
Slightly curious and aware, but immediately tense beyond comfort at our touch. We are strangers. The chaos and noise of her life has become the norm and desired. She cringes at our sight and my heart breaks over the rejection of my longing to love her. She is unaware of our intention, distrusts our affection, and physically reacts with anxiousness at our presence.
I am heartbroken.
BUT…she will know. She will feel it. The unconditional love that won’t leave or abandon.
The love that will make its life’s mission, that the lack she felt at the forefront of her life will be diminished to nothing and filled with an intense and indescribable joy and completeness. She will realize, eventually, that she is prized. That our love, though imperfect, is steady and full.
I am hopeful.
Today will be a hard day.
We get her today. Take her from the orphanage she has called home with many women who love her. In many ways, my body is weak, my heart heavy, the load too much. But in bigger ways, I am ready. Ready to start the affirmation that she will undeniably need to trust us. To be the one and only caretakers of her days and gain her affection through an outpouring of ours. My heart beats fast as we get closer to that moment. Sweating will surely commence. But Jesus has given me himself. And I have gladly and humbly received Him and with Him, His power and strength. I will not be overcome, not because of my strength, for I am in crumbles, but because of the One who is mighty to save. My champion. My savior. My rescuer.
I am empowered.
There is really no more waiting now. In 30 minutes we leave to go get her. And then she is ours- fully. Nervous, a bit weary, kinda scared. BUT…
I am ready.
So let go, my soul, and trust in Him, the waves and wind still know His name. It is well, with my soul.