For five years I struggled with infertility.
At the beginning of our marriage it was difficult, but as time went on a difficult situation turned into desperation and I felt like my life was spiraling out of control. To say that I wasn’t living with depression is like saying that Britney Spears didn’t peak in 2001. Of course she did, and everybody knows it.
I felt inadequate and pretty worthless. Because I suffer from endometriosis, a chronic illness that I have had since I was a teenager, I was constantly unwell, unable to work full time and help bring in an extra income for our family. The money that would have gone towards a deposit for our first home, instead went to Doctor’s visits, specialist appointments and medication. I felt like a dead weight, a noose around my husband’s neck and for a while there I was actually convinced that he would be better off with someone else.
I would lay awake in bed at night, unable to sleep and pleading to God not to forget us.
I felt as though everyone else around me were receiving the blessings that they needed, the help that they desired and when God got to us, he would skip us and just go on to the next person. Now, of course I realize that’s not the case, but at the time it’s exactly how I felt.
People around me would give advice like “Just relax”, “It will happen when you least expect it” and “Stop trying to get pregnant and just have fun”.
I would usually just smile and nod and make some noncommittal grunting noise to make them stop talking. How was I supposed to just stop thinking about it when it was constantly on my mind? It was the first think I thought about in the morning and the last thing in my head at night.
Just after our 5th wedding anniversary, we were contemplating foster care when we had a completely serendipitous meeting with a friend who had just moved back in town. She also had been through infertility and knew what we were dealing with.
After listening to our latest update she flat out told us that we needed to change Doctors. That what we thought was normal treatment, actually wasn’t and that we needed to find someone who would be more proactive in helping us start our family. As soon as we got home I googled like I have never googled before and got one of the last free appointments of the year with an amazing fertility specialist. The difference that I felt with her compared to our last Doctor was insane. She was optimistic, encouraging and determined to help us have a baby.
A few months later we returned for our test results and expected to leave that day to go off and start the first stages of IVF. Instead, we were told that miraculously our test results were great, better than she had expected and that she didn’t think we needed her. She gave us six months to try and get pregnant naturally and if not she promised to help us. I left feeling deflated, my husband on the other hand thought it was promising, but I just didn’t see it that way. To me it felt like another dead end.
That was in January of 2014. The next month I fell pregnant.
Our fertility specialist was right, we didn’t need her after all. But if it wasn’t for that chance meeting, we probably would have been stuck in the same situation with a Doctor who was telling me that I would never get pregnant. I know now that God didn’t forget me. Patience is a virtue that has been a hard pill to swallow.
Having a baby hasn’t made everything perfect.
There are still days that are difficult. Having a baby didn’t cure my endometriosis and sometimes I have to work extra hard not to sink into those old feelings of inadequacy. But now we have an amazing 18 month old daughter who has her dad’s blue eyes and my curly hair. And I honestly wouldn’t change the way any of it went. This our story. This is her story. And it’s really special to me.
If you are on a facing a similar struggle with infertility, here are a few things I want to leave you with:
Don’t give up even when you feel like there’s no hope left.
Do what you have to do to survive.
Cry when you need to and be strong when you HAVE to.
Say no when it’s good for you.
Ask for help.
Pray your heart out.
This is an original post by Ami Parton, please read more of her story on her blog: http://helloamiparton.blogspot.com/